processing...

how do you process?

i'm finally figuring out how i process. first, during shock, i just let it settle internally. i think about the thing while going on with daily life. after a few hours of that, i have a need to talk about it. so i call a good friend and/or my mom and get it off my chest. then i do the internal thing while eating every junk food item in sight. sometimes during this second internal part, and sometimes after it, i pray. (i hope one day to do the praying part first, but i haven't quite reached that maturity level yet.)

this second part of internally processing includes depression, hence the food. this could last for days. i mope. i cry. i pray. i write. i eat. i mope some more. finally more verbalizing with more people with intentions of gaining new perspectives.

now, depending on the thing i'm having to process, this is where the anger comes in. the shock has worn off, the depression is nearly gone, and now i'm fully angry, ready to yell and speak my mind w/ no abandon. this could last until enough time has passed or until i talk to the person i'm most angry with. but by this point i've gained enough perspective to own my part, be appreciative of the situation, even looking ahead to what the future holds. but my anger continues.

i wanted to share where i am with processing my layoff, my father's health, and being back in the States.

i am still in the anger stage of my layoff issue ... i have processed externally with so many people, but not the exact people i need to talk to in order to let it all go. but i hope to, very soon. once that's over, i should be able to let it all go and move on with freedom. i've written a goodbye email to the people i've worked with for 7 years and have received great feedback and encouragement from many. i've so very much appreciated all that, as well as being welcomed back with open arms and smiles from all my coworkers. it's made coming back after bad news much easier to deal with.

my dad's health is not good. i've accepted it and am now processing the fact that this could be the end for him. i have no idea, but at least i'm ready for whatever God has planned. however, because of the situation, i'm also processing the idea of moving back to Texas to be near my family again. not only because of my dad, but because of my entire family in general, a guaranteed job opportunity, weather ... it's a huge decision, one i'm trying not to be hasty about making.

being back in my familiar life has been fairly easy. much more than i expected. i guess i wasn't gone long enough to really be impacted deeply by re-entering a world i know. i am very aware of how quiet everything is here. i miss speaking Spanish. i miss thinking about everything i have to say before saying it. i miss walking everywhere. i'm glad to be back, but i've already had thoughts of going back to do it again ... that makes me proud of myself. especially given the fact that during it i didn't think i would survive. :-)

so, anyways, these are the things i'm processing right now. i'm in a part of my life where change is fully expected, but not knowing what the change will be is the hard part. so i'm doing what i do ... weighing the pros and cons of everything ... i'm just trying to rely on the Lord for guidance.