nothing is going on

it's been a "few" days since i've posted, so i thought i'd just write a short note to say, "nothing is going on."

i've just been wrapping things up at my old office, saying goodbye to people, having lots of lunches, etc., with friends and answering lots of questions. i've also started the process of putting my house up for sale. EEK! yes, it's a little scary, but a step of faith that was necessary to take. the sign will probably go up Monday or Tuesday.

in the meantime, my plan is to continue sitting still. i will spend 2 weeks away from here visiting friends in Florida and Maryland. afterward i guess i'll come home and start sifting through all my belongings and separating into piles, as well as start packing up all the stuff i don't need for daily life. all the while, hopefully leaving from time to time in order for prospective buyers to view my house. i hope. i'm really not fond of the idea of it sitting on the market for 6 months, but if it does.... such is life.

so i guess it's official ... i am moving back to Texas. but what i will do there is still in question. i have options, i just need to make decisions. at least i have options.

clarification

it seems some might think that my experience in Guatemala was overall BAD.

i am aware that, by nature, i am a negative person. i try hard not to be, but i am. therefore, i am aware that my blogs, overall, were negative in tone, giving the impression that i hated almost all my experiences over the 9 weeks.

however... i enjoyed my experience, overall.

yes, i struggled. yes, i hurt. yes, i had negative experiences while there. BUT, overall, i really did enjoy many things about it and am actually quite happy i went. while the learning process was hard (not only the language), now that i'm on the other side of it, i am thankful for the process because i can see how much i actually DID learn.

and while going to Guatemala was for language school, for the most part, i walked away with my pockets much more full of other things, as well as language. and for that i am happy.

so... no, dear ones, to clarify, i did not hate those 9 weeks, even if it sounded like it through my in-the-moment ramblings.

and yes, dear ones, i would do it again. :-)

processing...

how do you process?

i'm finally figuring out how i process. first, during shock, i just let it settle internally. i think about the thing while going on with daily life. after a few hours of that, i have a need to talk about it. so i call a good friend and/or my mom and get it off my chest. then i do the internal thing while eating every junk food item in sight. sometimes during this second internal part, and sometimes after it, i pray. (i hope one day to do the praying part first, but i haven't quite reached that maturity level yet.)

this second part of internally processing includes depression, hence the food. this could last for days. i mope. i cry. i pray. i write. i eat. i mope some more. finally more verbalizing with more people with intentions of gaining new perspectives.

now, depending on the thing i'm having to process, this is where the anger comes in. the shock has worn off, the depression is nearly gone, and now i'm fully angry, ready to yell and speak my mind w/ no abandon. this could last until enough time has passed or until i talk to the person i'm most angry with. but by this point i've gained enough perspective to own my part, be appreciative of the situation, even looking ahead to what the future holds. but my anger continues.

i wanted to share where i am with processing my layoff, my father's health, and being back in the States.

i am still in the anger stage of my layoff issue ... i have processed externally with so many people, but not the exact people i need to talk to in order to let it all go. but i hope to, very soon. once that's over, i should be able to let it all go and move on with freedom. i've written a goodbye email to the people i've worked with for 7 years and have received great feedback and encouragement from many. i've so very much appreciated all that, as well as being welcomed back with open arms and smiles from all my coworkers. it's made coming back after bad news much easier to deal with.

my dad's health is not good. i've accepted it and am now processing the fact that this could be the end for him. i have no idea, but at least i'm ready for whatever God has planned. however, because of the situation, i'm also processing the idea of moving back to Texas to be near my family again. not only because of my dad, but because of my entire family in general, a guaranteed job opportunity, weather ... it's a huge decision, one i'm trying not to be hasty about making.

being back in my familiar life has been fairly easy. much more than i expected. i guess i wasn't gone long enough to really be impacted deeply by re-entering a world i know. i am very aware of how quiet everything is here. i miss speaking Spanish. i miss thinking about everything i have to say before saying it. i miss walking everywhere. i'm glad to be back, but i've already had thoughts of going back to do it again ... that makes me proud of myself. especially given the fact that during it i didn't think i would survive. :-)

so, anyways, these are the things i'm processing right now. i'm in a part of my life where change is fully expected, but not knowing what the change will be is the hard part. so i'm doing what i do ... weighing the pros and cons of everything ... i'm just trying to rely on the Lord for guidance.