ugh!!!

Oh my gosh, I’m so ready for the weekend. I’m not having fun at all. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. And today is a very hard day. I’ve started crying several times, of course inopportunely. Is that even a word? Ugh!

I woke up this morning very tired. Breakfast sucked. I had to learn a new verb in class which confused the heck out of me. Even though I was prepared from previous studying that verbs were hard, attempting to use it today in class proved very difficult. Doing exercises right there with my teacher waiting on me gets me very nervous and freezes up my brain even more than it already is. Then she wants me to do this very difficult exercise where I complete sentences, but they are long sentences and use words I don’t know! I was so confused. And of course got some of them wrong. We discussed them and I understand why it is the way it is, but … ugh!

Lunch semi-sucked. By this time I’m ready to cry at any moment. I’m basically on the edge. I’m never gonna learn this stuff. I’m never gonna be able to understand people. I’m never gonna be able to communicate. What the heck am I doing here? These were the thoughts going through my head. I prayed on the way home. But I was still very much emotional and tired and frustrated.

Lunch wasn’t ready yet, so I went to the table and sat down with my homework to try to make sense of it. Adoflo asked me how I was and instead of giving the canned “Bien, gracias, y tu?” answer that everyone gives, I was honest. “I’m frustrated.” So he attempts to encourage me. Anna comes in and does the same thing. by this time, tears are coming and I can barely stop them. Thankfully, Anna read the prayer and didn’t ask me to do it. we ate homemade Chinese … fried rice, bits of meat, onions, peppers, and celery. I picked and tried not to cry and tried to talk. I did the best I could, but was so upset.

Adolfo was kind enough to write down the name of a book I might find helpful for studying. I guess when I pass by bookstores I’ll inquire of it. maybe $15 or $20 might be worth it. He and Anna both were also kind enough to offer their help. They could tell I was upset and could see the tears in my eyes even though I didn’t let them fall. And Adolfo was very sweet, at the end of lunch when were getting up from the table … he said, “Jesus loves you, that’s what’s important.” I could only whisper, “Yes, He does.” Then as I passed him in the kitchen he put his hand on my shoulder and said if I needed help this afternoon to please ask.

I went to my room and cried. I only had 10 minutes before I needed to leave, so I could cry a lot, but I tried.

I walked back to school for the activity at 2 p.m. Five students and four teachers walked down to the museum at the Santo Domingo hotel. One of the teachers was our tour guide. Things were going ok for a while. I was actually understanding some of what he was saying about the stuff we were looking at. Only a little. But then we get to this one place and I didn’t catch any of it. he could tell I didn’t understand and came over to me after everyone had dispersed and said a few key words to me in English. I said thank you, turned away, and the tears started coming. I felt so stupid. He was being nice and helpful, but I felt so stupid. Why is this so hard?! I hid my tears from everyone, got myself gathered together, and moved on with the group.

We were at this museum for almost two hours. It shows art, old stuff from kitchens and pharmacies, skeletons, and a lot of Catholic stuff … statues, paintings, etc. It was interesting, the art was cool, and the setting was beautiful. Overall, it was worth the $5.50 I spent.

On my walk home, for the first time, a local talked to me as we walked in the same direction. What? I’m not invisible? Wow! He asked me questions and I understood a good bit of it and was able to respond in Spanish. Mostly the canned questions like, “Where are you from? Are you here to study? How long are you here for?” he was a bit older and had a lisp, so I had trouble sometimes getting words, but at least we talked! I didn’t really know what to say, but I tried to answer the best I could and he understood.

It is 6:15 p.m. and I’m waiting on dinner. I need to do my homework and study, but am afraid of getting frustrated because of not understanding.

This has been a hard day and I don’t expect there to not be anymore. I appreciate your prayers. Not only am I frustrated with the language learning and barriers, I am very much sensitive to everything around me right now … the constant noise, so much walking, and the guys who whistle and make kissy noises at me when I walk by every single day, at least once a day, are all getting to me.

Dinner was leftover Chinese food. They were sweet and picked out the peppers. I wish they had picked out the onions and celery as well. Also on the plate was a lovely portion of potato salad made with my favorite … mustard! Potatoes, carrots, and green beans mixed with mustard and maybe a tiny bit of mayo. Maybe. *sigh* I ate most of it, but some of the bites were really hard to get down. Thank God for bread and lemonade!

Adolfo joined me and we talked. Sort of. He does most of the talking, I say “si” and “wow” a lot. :-) at the end he encouraged me with words from God. God knew what He was doing. I’ll be ok.