thank you

i just want to send out a big thank you to everyone who has been encouraging me. i really appreciate your care.

it's been an interesting 24 hours. i feel very solemn and my brain can't focus on one particular thing. i can't really explain myself here and don't really have people here to explain myself TO. so that's been weird since i'm a processor ... internally and externally.

otherwise, i'm doing ok.

(P.S. someone commented and i don't know who you are, please identify yourself. your words were, "I just want to offer a shoulder and a simple, "I am sorry for your hurt and I am here for you." We'll talk about God's love for you later." i don't like it when i don't know who is encouraging me...)

bad news, again...

speaking of no money ... i got some bad news today. i've been laid off. i've only been processing this news for about 30 minutes, but i still don't know what to say. the company i work for has been hurting for money for a while now. when i asked for a leave of absence, they of course were happy to comply because that meant they didn't have to pay me. but before i left my boss told me that they couldn't guarantee a job when i returned if lay-offs occurred.

well, even though i'm naturally a pessimistic, i was optomistic in my thinking at the time and just assumed that wouldn't happen. i had trust in the Lord that He would keep my job secure and everything would be just fine.

now i have to trust the Lord to provide a new job.

it's one thing if you choose to leave your job. it really is a whole other thing when they lay you off, even if it is only because of lack of money ... ... ... it hurts.

wow

after lunch today i sat and talked with Adolfo for quite a long time. i asked about his daughter's job; she works at the Santo Domingo hotel at the front desk. he openly told me that her pay is about Q100 per day. i asked how much the average salary is here in Guatemala and he said it is approx. Q14o0. per month. that equals to be about $186 (approx. $6 per day). that's ridiculous! i asked him if people can live off that and he said no. only if they live in really tiny houses provided by the government or in camps or farms. crazy. i knew it was meager, but didn't know exactly HOW meager until today. to say the least, i was shocked.

anyways, despite all of that, we had a very nice conversation mostly in spanish about work, The Karate Kid, learning English, and other things. it was very nice and the longest we've talked together since i've been here because i could actually speak and understand what he was saying, for the most part. :-)

nada nuevo...

nothing new...

my friend left this morning. i am tired. we had pancakes for breakfast. we had spinach soup for dinner (it was liquified and i ate it and sort of liked it). did i mention i am tired? :-) my credit card still hasn't shown up. i will call the bank in a few minutes and tell them to send the card to Texas today so it will be there when i return. i don't know if it will ever show up here. i am very disappointed in the mail system here in regards to actual NEED of mail.

the Czech couple are not married and are leaving at the end of the week, as well as the Sweeds. so it is very possible i will be the only student in the house for a little while again. i am leaving early, on December 16 instead of the 23rd, to fly to Texas to spend the last two weeks with my family. i am ready, though i'm not ready. don't really know how to explain it.

today's activity is at the school and is about the history of jade. it's free so i will go and maybe i will learn something.

yesterday my friend and i went to the coffee plantation, La Azotea, for the activity, but we were the only two people who went. the main reason, i think, is because no one came around in the morning to ask the students if they wanted to participate. so off we go with the teacher, walked 7 blocks to the bus stop, waited 15 minutes for the bus, rode to the place, arrived late for the regular tour, went immediately to the end part of the tour and watched the video of music and dress, then did the coffee tour, then left. this was my second time there, the first time being the second day in Antigua. i understood nothing that day, but this time i understood a lot and could even translate a little bit into English for my friend. i didn't get it all, but i got a lot more than before, so i was pleased.

we got dropped off at the actual bus station, so we had to walk 8 blocks back to the school and then the 7-ish blocks to the house. in route we stopped at the cookie store, then at Dona Luisa's and had a milk shake. it was thick and yummy and very much a milk shake and we enjoyed every sip. :-)

Antigua decorated for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving. i think that's a little funny, just because of the timing being so similar to the States, though now in the States they are running Thanksgiving and Christmas together, but still...

something i've been meaning to mention is ... boyfriends and girlfriends here are VERY public about their affection. it's not uncommon to see make-out sessions in the park, casually sitting on top of each other in a restaurant, and walking awkwardly yet together down the street. the common way to walk is the girl is in front, the guy in back, his arms around her body, and their legs moving in the same motion at the same time, his slightly wider so to avoid stepping on her feet. it's fascinating, really, and sometimes quite annoying. simply because i'm jealous, but that's beside the point.

anyways, i'm just rambling for the sake of talking in english, so i'll leave now. until tomorrow...

Tikal pictures

click here for pictures of Tikal. :-)

Tikal

so in order to get to Tikal and spend only one day there, you have to catch your shuttle at 4 a.m. So we get up about 3:30 and get down to the door just before 4 and begin our waiting game. you remember the way it is here: hurry up and wait. :-) well, given previous tours, the last person can be picked up 45 minutes after the time they tell you they'll pick you up. so i waited until 4:45 before i called to inquire. at which point the guy tells me the driver came to the house but no one was there so he left because he had other pickups. excuse me? i don't think so! i was down here at the front door since 3:50 and NO ONE has come up this street except a motorcycle! he replies, no, my driver said he came and no one was there, he's an experienced driver so he knows your address. i say again that no one came by here because i've been sitting here since before 4 and i know for a fact that there have been no cars down my street, so your driver went to the wrong address. finally he says he'll send another driver to pick us up. he's in route so it'll be a few minutes. we finally enter a van after 5 a.m.

then we stop to get gas and two other people at the gas station. did you know that if you shake the car you can get more gas in it? :-)

finally we're off to the airport in Guatemala City. we arrive at exactly 6 a.m., which is when the plane was supposed to take off. everyone is sitting in this tiny little waiting room and there are 4 people in front of us waiting to check in. finally we board around 6:30. the flight is 45 minutes long. the plane is small, but big enough to have a snack given to us. orange juice, coffee, and graham crackers.

we land, deboard, and walk through a checkpoint where the guy takes our apples away. then we find Pedro, who we thought was our guide. he took us over to the other side of the airport (about 300 feet) to a waiting area. it's actually the arrivals section of a normal airport, where you check in, buy food and suivenirs, and go through security to board your plane. he tells us to wait for 10 minutes, he'll be back. well, he came back, but it was well after 10 minutes. he has another guy with him. we go get in a van with 3 people in it already, lose Pedro, gain the other guy (our driver), drive around the parking lot and pick up our guide Manuel, then finally leave. it's after 8 a.m.

there are 6 of us. a Guatemalan couple who live in New York, an Italian man, a Spain girl, and us. everyone speaks English, including the guide, but the tour was in Spanish and English. about half an hour later we make a stop at a store to get coffee or use the bathroom. it's a typical tourist stop. lots of things to buy. a good 15 or 20 minutes later we pile back in the van and continue our journey.

once we got into the park, we started walking. we walked, strolled, stood, and climbed for 4 hours. the park is beautiful, very forested, tons of really big trees, and these old temples that were built way back in the day basically just for show. rulers would build them to show how powerful they were. they have really big steps and you can climb up some of them to the top to get a great view. it's pretty amazing, actually, but a lot of work. there are a lot of temples that haven't even been uncovered yet. i'm not sure why the earth grows over them, but there was one temple that was half uncovered on purpose, to show the difference.

anyways, as we walked we could hear birds (tucans) and monkeys (howler) rustling in the trees. and several times we stopped and watched the monkeys swing from tree to tree. they were really, REALLY high up and there were lots of trees, so it made it pretty hard to spot them. but, if you wait long enough, sometimes they come down a little ways and you get a food view. :-) i was pleased as punch ... i really like seeing animals in the wild.

after climbing around and hurting all our muscles, we walked back to the front of the park where we ate lunch at a little restaurant (lunch was included in our $200 fair, as was the park entrance, but the airport tax of Q20 each way was not, nor beverages for lunch). we were served fried chicken, rice, french fries, and boiled potatoes, carrots, green beans, and tortillas. it was VERY good and quite a lot of food, which was a pleasant surprise.

after lunch we piled into the van and made our way back to the airport. our original flight was supposed to leave at 5. but when we got there at 3:15 they told us 4:30. we contemplated going to Flores, a little town on an island in a lake, but we couldn't find a taxi outside the airport so went back inside to eat ice cream and wait. at 4 they called for us to board so we went through security (one person at a time) and walked straight out to our plane. this plane was the smallest plane i've ever been on. 19 passengers, i think. no steward, no bathroom, not even verbal instructions to put on your seatbelt. i was a little scared.

the entire flight the Italian guy talked to us and our ears remained plugged up. but thankfully 45 minutes later we landed safely with only minor pain in my jaw, head, and ears. once we landed we had to find our shuttle back to Antigua. we all waited outside and about 5 minutes later or so a van pulls up with our names on it. we get in. a few minutes later they turn the van off and one of the guys says that we have to wait 20 minutes for the next flight to land because on the other plane is a girl we have to take back with us.

the Italian man and Spain girl leave in a taxi to go back to their hotel. they don't know each other, but they were staying at the same hotel.

we wait. and wait. and wait some more. finally the other plane lands and finally people come outside. the guy starts calling out the name of the girl. after a couple of minutes of that, a girl inside the van says, "is he calling Carolina?" yes. "i'm Carolina! i told him that a long time ago!" AARRGG!!! so the driver gets out and tells the guy that we have the girl in the van already! are you kidding me? we just sat here for a good 30-45 minutes and we had the girl the whole time? so the guy runs inside the building, the driver comes back and shuts the door and starts the van, the guy comes back outside the building with a girl that had been standing there the whole time who was NOT Carolina, they both get into the van and we leave.

we start driving in Guatemala City. from what the guy next to me could understand from the drivers conversation's we were driving around looking for other passengers. we drove to a bus station area, but no person. we drove to an entirely different part of time to a bus stop outside an Office Depot, but no person. we got lost. we tried to go the wrong way on a one-way. we got lost again. FINALLY someone in the van calls their travel agent girl and complains. she calls the driver and chews them both out. after an hour of driving around the city looking for other people, we finally give up and start driving toward Antigua. unbelievable.

we got back to Antigua around 7:45 p.m. we got out at the Mono Loco and ate nachos then walked home and went to bed. what a day.

overall, i was glad we went there. but it was a very long day and cost the most thus far. but being out of the city and in a forest where i saw monkeys and huge trees and beautiful old structures was worth it.

the end. :-)

prelude

¡hola todos! ¿comó están? espero muy bien. estoy bien, pero cansada. mi clase estuve muy bien hoy, pero mi desayuno estuve muy malo. comimos "oatmeal". yo odio "oatmeal".

escribiré esta noche para Tikal y otro cosas. ¡Tikal estuve muy bueno! me guste mucho, especialmente los arboles. ¡vimos monos!

mañana aprenderé futuro, pero necesito practicar presente, imperfecto, y prerito mas. estoy alegre para aprendiendo tiempos. están muy necesario.

...

hello everyone! how are you all? i hope very well. i am fine, but tired. my class was very good today, but my breakfast was very bad. we ate oatmeal. i hate oatmeal.

i will write tonight about Tikal and other things. Tikal was great! i really liked it a lot, especially the trees. we saw monkeys!

tomorrow i will learn Future, but i need to practice Present, Imperfect, and Past more. i am happy about learning tenses. they are very necessary.

...

otherwise, things are fine. i had a nice vacation at the hotel. even though the room was FREEZING (yes, it finally turned winter here and my room got NO sun exposure), it was quiet and wonderful. i studied quite a lot and feel a lot better about my learning for the next (and last) three weeks. and i slept well. and i ate well. and i got to just be and it was nice.

then my friend arrived and we walked a lot and went up Cerra de la Cruz and ate a lot of food and went to Tikal. she's been helping me study which is a big help. we've moved back to the house (on Saturday), so we got to eat dinner with the family and meet two new students.

Katarina and Andres from the Czech Republic. they speak very good spanish, of course, and she seems to be a very picky eater. the first night we had tamales and she didn't even eat half of it. and this morning with oatmeal she didn't eat much of it either, but i left before she claimed to be finished, so maybe today was just slow eating. either way, they seem to be a nice couple, but don't know if they are married or just dating.

so anyways, life has been busy, as usual. i will write a lot about Tikal and post pictures tomorrow. i'm sure you're anxious to "read all about it." :-)

day after Thanksgiving

you know how the day after Thansgiving is supposed to be the busiest shopping day of the year in America? well, today was the busiest shopping day of the year for me, but it took place in Guatemala. i didn't realize it until well after the fact, but i ended up doing all my Christmas shopping on the exact day many people do theirs in America. i was pleased and felt very productive.

the school ended up cancelling the activity for today because no more than 2 students signed up for it. so we went to the school for nothing today. but afterwards went shopping. bartered and bartered and bought a bunch of little things. then we went back to the hotel to invite Erwin out to eat with us. we all went to the Mono Loco and had dinner and talked about God and the Bible and all kinds of good stuff like that. then walked home, sat by the fire, and practiced spanish.

the only thing i know tomorrow holds is to move out of the hotel and back into the house.

sunday we are flying to Flores to see Tikal National Park. it's an expensive trip, but i think it'll be worth it. i will blog all about it on Monday. :-)

hasta lunes! (until Monday!)

pictures & videos

NEW PICTURES




Video of Lake Atitlan






Video of Cerra de la Cruz

Happy Thanksgiving

the calendar says it's Thanksgiving, but i'm skeptical. my heart and brain says it's just another day in the month of November here in Guatemala. which is basically true since there is no Thanksgiving in Guatemala. but still. my family is celebrating and i'm just walking around ordering food in Spanish, buying things at the market, avoiding tuk-tuks in the street.

it's different, but i'm not sad. it's just a little strange is all. but really, it's just another day.

yesterday my friend and i went to The Bagel Barn for breakfast. had a wonderful bagel sandwich with fried egg, bacon, cheese, and potatoes. it was really good. then we walked through the park, down the Arch street, into a market, then down to La Merced. we sat for a while outside the church, then decided to pay the Q5 to go inside and see the old convent. i was hoping we could see the actual church, but no. just the grounds inside where there is a huge fountain not working and stairs that led to the top that gave a semi-nice view.

then we walked down to my school and inquired of mail. still nothing. also took a look at the activities for the week and saw that today they are going up Cerra de la Cruz and tomorrow they're going to San Andreas, the satan guy. if we go, i'll tell you all about it later. but apparently some guy sold his soul to the devil in order to have special healing powers. and now people worship him.

then we went to the cookie store, then the post office to inquire about mail (i have to wait another week because everything takes 3 weeks, next!), then to Campero for an ice cream, then to the hotel to freeze for a couple of hours to rest and wait for dinner. finally we leave to go to the bar in the hotel to have a hamburger and fries. Erwin comes and talks to us for a little bit. good food, a little expensive of course, but good. and happy hour even with soda and water!

once back in our room we ask the guy to come look at our chimney so he can unblock it so the smoke leaves the room instead of filling it. what a concept. he fixes it and stars the fire and brings us more wood. we sit by the fire and i practice spanish. then to sleep.

now we are ready for breakfast. not sure what we will do exactly, but i'm sure a lot of walking will be involved. :-)

from bikini to winter coat

we had quite a change in weather today. it's downright cold outside, so i guess it really is winter. earlier i was laying outside by the pool working on a nice sunburn (oops) and now i'm sitting in my room freezing. amazing.

things for granted

hot water
television in the language you KNOW
your favorite snack foods & candy
warmth IN the house

these are the things i've taken for granted and have realized since being here.

the hotel has hot water, in the sink, whereas in my family's house there is only hot water in the shower. washing my face with hot water was a "luxury" i enjoyed the other night.

TV ... out of 75 channels, there are about 5 in english. now while this can be good for lanuage learning (though difficult), it makes for watching Little House on the Prairie and Wiley Coyote very annoying. it's not supposed to be in spanish!

i miss Reeses peanut butter cups and regular crunchy Cheetos. they have Twix and Snickers out the wazoo, as well as Doritos and Cheeto Puffs, but sometimes the others are better.

the hotel room is cold. i see now why they have fireplaces in all the rooms. there is no other warmth. in my room at the house it's not cold. not sure why there is a difference.

i'm sure there are more things i could share, but these are the only ones i can think of right now.
yesterday i was a lazy bum. i eventually went down to the lobby area where there is a big fountain and comfy chairs and studied a little. while i was there Erwin saw me and stopped to talk for a few minutes. he's a nice guy ... the one that showed me around the hotel last week. i told him i was going to go see a movie later and he said to not be surprised if he was there afterwards.

about 4:30 i went to a little italian restaurant called Napoli and ate a pizza. it was good pizza, homemade, thin crust, a little crunchy, only a little sauce. i ordered Hawaiian. the ham was good, but the pineapple was yucky, so i had to pick it all off. otherwise, the pizza was great. it was big enough for one hungry person or two not-so-hungry persons.

then i went to the theater and watched The DaVinci Code. it was in enlglish with spanish subtitles. but you know how a lot of the time they speak italian? well, those subtitles were in spanish too. and since i'm not perfect at understanding spanish, i was lost during those moments. i didn't really like the movie. i don't think it was a good movie for me to see given i had to think a lot and i've been doing a lot of thinking as it is. so i wasn't really into it, didn't really understand it, and certainly didn't agree with any of what i DID understand (but that was given). so, it basically just served as a three-hour time-waster.

once the lights came on, i heard a voice. there was Erwin. he and i walked next door to Mono Loco, had a drink, and talked for quite a while. then we walked back to the hotel together. when we rounded the corner of the first block, i looked across the street at this little bar with blaring music and guess who i see coming out??? it's Leo!!! i just couldn't believe it. i don't know for sure if he saw me because i tried to hide behind Erwin, but it crazy weird and i just kept saying, "it's him, i can't believe it!"

anyways, Erwin is a nice guy. a tall, skinny, black guy from Aruba. he speaks 5 languages and serves as a nice bodyguard and provides a nice laugh. otherwise, no interest on my part.

this morning i decided to try out the room service for breakfast. i've never done that before, so why not. i ordered a cheese omelette, papaya juice, and croissants. about 10 minutes before it was supposed to be delivered they called me to confirm the order. and a bit later a nice suited man arrives carrying my food on his shoulder accompanied by a quiet little lady carrying the bill. he sets the tray down on the table, shows off the food, and collects the money. tip was included making the bill Q52. of course, expensive, but it's comfort/convenience you pay for, right?

so there on the tray was the cheese omelette (3 eggs, i think), a little hashbrown triangle patty, a little piece of canteloupe, and a little bit of turkey ham. a basket of small croissants (4). orange juice instead of papaya juice. and coffee. the food was great. the croissants weren't as soft as i'd like, but still good. i tried the coffee, because it's been a long time, i still don't like it. i tried it with milk. still gross. it's final, i don't like coffee.

so anyways, now i'm blogging and am about to go out in the world. it's windy and chilly out today. later i will play pool with Erwin, then eat a peanut butter sandwich, cheeto puffs, and chocolate after a hot bath. and at some point i will review some spanish. i would hate to forget something i've just barely learned. i guess another relaxing day. :-)

ramblings...

tonight i had to find my own dinner. so many choices, it's hard to make a decision sometimes. but i found a well lit placed called Casa del Flan or something like that. i can't remember. but i chose a corner table and read while i waited for my burger, fries, and soda to come. a large burger, fries, a small soda, and some salad for Q28. that's a good deal. the burger came with a bunch of stuff on it, some of which i took off like tomatoes, onions, and a pickle. but there was a dressing sort of like mayo, but pinker, on one side of the bun, and on the other side was chopped lettuce in some other kind of dressing that i think included a little bit of mustard. overall it was good. the meat was a little pink, a little more than i like, but hopefully it won't hurt me because i ate the entire thing. the fries were really good. and my little soda was sufficient.

but while i ate and read and enjoyed their choice of music, a guy at another table ordered a chocolate milk shake, which of course i, too, can fully enjoy from time to time. so after i digested for a few minutes, i ordered one myself. and as i finished the book i was reading i drank the so-called chocolate shake and laughed at the fact that it was really very mild chocolate milk that had been frozen a little bit. it was good, but certainly not worth the Q14 they charged.

i left and stopped at the Cafe Condessa Express and bought my real dessert and breakfast for tomorrow, a brownie and cinnamon roll respectively. then i stopped at the grocery store and bought a new toothbrush, chips, peanut butter, bread, and chocolate. Q58 later i quickly made my way back to the hotel. turns out the brownie isn't so good, just for the record.

first impressions

Villa Antigua is NICE. :-) as soon as you walk through the gate, there is a large fountain to greet you. when you walk closer to the door you see the Guatemalan flare of two vendors selling you stuff on either side of the entrance. there are bellboys waiting to assist and busy assisting in their nice maroon uniforms. there are glasses with pink liquid waiting for the arriving guests to help make the waiting to check in more pleasurable. and big comfy chairs all over the place to sit and relax in.

i finally got checked in and walked to the far back corner of the hotel to my room. the longer i walked, the more happy i was. i wanted to be as far away from the street as possible. (i'm so enjoying the silence as i type this. :-)) while i walked to my room i noticed how close and convenient the heated pool is. there is also a nice little "nitch" with a table and chairs on a sort of patio like thing in the back, just there to use at your leisure.

and then i walked into the room. now here at this hotel you have the timeshare "studios" and regular hotel rooms. even though i have a timeshare, i am staying in a hotel room. i don't understand, but i don't mind either. i wlaked in to a rather large room. much larger than most hotel rooms these days. in the corner is a fireplace. there are two beds, a long counter with three drawers, a closet, a bathroom, and a table with two chairs. all of this sounds normal, with the exception of the fireplace, but it's all very nice, despite the normality. the bathroom is small, but it has a bathtub, which i will utitlize, fancy-crinkled toilet paper (not the regular triangle), and a regular showerhead like in America. :-) the wood here is really nice. i'm a wood fan, so i am pleased.

and then i sat on the bed. normal hotel beds your butt doesn't move when you sit down on the bed. but this bed ... well, it's NICE. it's cushy. it's VERY comfortable. i'm oh so happy. :-)

the TV is big, there are plenty of lights, there's a big window that looks out into a small yard. a breakfast ordering menu sits waiting to be filled out on the table and plenty of things to read in Spanish. there is a phone, but no alarm clock. and in the bathroom there are two bottles of water. i'm not sure if i get charged if i drink them, so i will wait to ask. i would hate to pay $5 for a bottle of water when i can buy one elsewhere for only Q3. suprisingly, there is wireless internet here as well. this is a surprise because it wasn't advertised at all.

on site is a restaurant (fancy, but you can be casual), a heated pool, a non-heated lap pool, a kid's pool, a pool deck cafe, gym, sauna, spa, hair salon, disco bar, rental car & travel agency, and lots of conference rooms and things. this place is really big and overall really nice. i think i will enjoy myself immensly for the next few days. :-)

walking the line...

click here for a few more pictures. it shows an erupting volcano, a church, a door, my teacher. just stuff. :-)

i "broke up" with Leo this morning. he was walking the thin line between normal and stalker and i didn't feel comfortable with that at all. last night i'm walking home from a nice hour-ish of studying and cheesecake (VERY good) and find him walking down my street very near the house. i'm like, "what are you doing?" and he's like, "looking for you. i've been here twice."

not only was he making me feel a litte uncomfortable at this point, but he also interrupted the prayer meeting at the house in order to ask for me. therefore, i'm not embarrassed. ugh.

so we talk for a little while. he's very straightforward. normally this is a good trait to have. but when you don't know the person you're being forward with, it's a little strange. especially when that person is ME. so to ask to drink my water and to keep his bike in my family's garage for a few minutes was just a bit much for me to take, but i went along with it thinking it was maybe just a culture thing and it was ok. but when we started talking, he wanted to talk about money and my wallet being stolen and differnet things related to those subjects. and i just started feeling more and more uncomfortable.

finally it was time for my dinner, so we were walking back to the house and he goes to grab my arm and says something like "hey", but it freaked me out. i guess he wanted to ask me something, but the way he was getting my attention scared me. i of course backed up and told him not to do that because it scares me. he said he was sorry and wouldn't continue his sentence. we walked the rest of the way (a short way) in silence, he got his bike and rode off into the darkness with a very short "goodbye".

after dinner i talked with Adolfo about him. on our way out of the garage they met each other, so he came to ask me about him. i told him it was all very strange and he agreed that it would be wise to be careful and go with what i feel, to end it. adios. tienes un buen vida (have a good life).

so this morning i met him at 9:30 at the museum. well, he was late. and the first words out of his mouth was that he needed to borrow a little money to use the internet. that was it. i told him, in spanish, i thought it best if we didn't see each other any more. i gave him Q5 for the internet and he promptly left. he said it was ok, but he was upset. he mentioned the rooftop drink, i guess he wanted me to pay him the Q30 for the drink. but i told him, "you asked me out, you asked me if i wanted a drink, and i told you i had no money with me." as i'm saying that he says it's fine and rides off on his bike saying "that's fine, maybe you need it more than me."

whatever. i feel better that he's gone. i feel bad, but it just was weird and awkward and i don't need to be in that situation. so, it's done. over with. much better. everyone can relax now. :-)